Getting help for the “addict” is what most people think is the primary focus. What about the wake of disaster that’s left behind?

What can “I” do now that my loved one is getting help?

It’s important to discover what our role has been in the addict’s life. Understanding our responsibilities and how we played an important role can be powerful first steps towards freeing ourselves. Taking an honest inventory can be hard and usually requires professional assistance to help. In most cases we are so close to the problem that we can’t see or own role.

There have been many important studies on addiction and the importance the family can play. Overall the “addict” has a far greater chance of being successful, when the support system or loved ones seek guidance or professional help.

Take a closer look at some of the positions people can play surrounding the addict! (please understand that these are generalized roles and not specific) The goal of providing this  information, is to help the loved ones gain insight and start to take an active role in the healing process.

The Addict Role:

The addict often is the person that controls the circus with a wide range of behaviors that create opportunities for others to play their own role. The addict normally plays both sides of the fence with peoples strengths and weaknesses. For example: lets take a look at the addict and the caretaker.

The addict normally has at least one caretaker and often pulls them in close to their side, always leaning on them for reassurance, support and emotional strength. Because the caretaker is masterfully doing their job they feel a sense of control, safety and mostly guilt/fear that they are contributing to the overall problem. The addict sees an opportunity to control this role (the caretaker) with statements like: “I would have been dead if it wasn’t for you” “I can’t control myself and I need you to protect me” You take my pay cheque and only give it to me when I need it for____________” and so on… As you can see both roles can very easily become dependent on each other. Lets take a look at some other common roles.

The Passive Caretaker Role:

Most people know this person as the enabler, the one that is always the fallback person. Often this role is busy taking care of all the little details; shopping, endlessly researching options, driving from place to place and normally covering up the behaviors of the addict. Commonly this role tries to be the one in the middle, trying to keep everyone on that fine line of balance.

This role primarily takes the protective stance with the other roles and usually is comfortable in the leadership position. Informational gathering, demonstrating knowledge and guidance is the goals of the advisor. They sometimes will over look the present situation and heavy focus on moving forward and can have a tendency to overlook the other roles importance or can become very angry if other roles are not moving in their direction.

In addition, the director can have heavy overtones, creating feelings of not being important, uncomfortable or left behind for the other members of the support system. In balance this role has wonderful strengths and can bring many resources to the table such as; taking leadership, dealing with the tasks that are difficult, making decisions, research, bring the support group close together and etc…

The Disclaimer Role:

This role primarily takes the “I don’t accept any responsibilities” refusing to take action, ignoring that the problem exists. Often this role suppresses the overall magnitude, stating that it’s nothing to be alarmed about. The disclaimer is the first to leave the room and look the other way. In most cases this role feels neglected because they are put on the backseat and the addict takes all of the families resources. Feeling of deep anger, loneliness, fear that the family is falling apart and resentment are often present.

The Blamer Role:

This role primarily take the “because of you”. Normally this is the person that states they have tried everything and can’t deal with the addiction any more. The role often feels a sense of loss and becomes very anger at the addict or addiction. The blamer focuses on the past, digging up the old bones and never letting go! The blamer often tries to shelter the rest of the “casualties” or can be known to stand alone, unwilling to be a functional part of the team. The blamer can also be known as the passive / aggressive one that for example uses inappropriate humor to shield the true nature of their feelings. Typically feeling of shame, guilt and remorse and the foundation with the blamer.

These are just some of the roles that can surround the addict; in fact many families and or support system could have one or more of these roles on any given day.

Starting any process has its challenges and can seem like we are climbing a mountain “don’t be discouraged”. Developing awareness is an important first start and can open a new door.  Each role has its part, our goal is not to label or create an image that one role is better than the other. In gaining insight on how others might react or deal with the addict can be powerful in helping understand their position.

For more information,  look into your local community resources and source out a family therapist or counsellor who has experience in dealing with addiction or family structures in addiction. Contact addiction treatment resources and ask for a recommended referral. Many addiction treatment centers have specialist that specifically work with the family and quite often offer addiction educational sessions.

Article written by: Jason Spies